Silly me. i neglected the intro: hey y’all. Grammy Blog. Lots of booze, as usual, but this time it’s the Res away team-myself (shaun), Dr Shlomo Zelig, Bette Noire and, eventually, LauterHaus, when she, you know, gets here.If you doubt the Grammy Live-blog abilities, or if you’re thinking about reading (ew, shudder) Stereogum, just don’t. Realize that no one, NO ONE, on the corner has swagga like res. Or sweet tea vodka like res. Also come ON, Ye West is our BOY.
6:33 Aight. Thus it begins. The Firefly Sweet Tea vodka drinks are being poured, Ryan Effing Seacrest is doing some stupid E interviews, and. Oh by E interviews I mean the network. Ok, a conversation is occurring about Sweet Tea vodka. I’ll keep updating this. Lil Wayne should get the Grammy for…everything.
6:39 completely missed transcribing the conversation about how Radiohead’s a bunch of shit. As such, best I can do is that apparently now there’s a discussion about the MLA format for writing and New England/Maine accents.
6:40 Dr Shlomo Zelig: “Radiohead wishes they were as relevant as Kanye West is”. Yeah but what was Radiohead say to the kids? “Hey kids, our album’s free”
taking this under a cut as though we were on a boat.

6:42 following diplo’s twitterfeed, switch ain’t gettin’ in to the grammys for having a visable flask. 2009 GRAMMYS: DRUNKEST EVER.
6:44 oh shit everyone shut up t-pain’s talking! WORST FUCKING INTERVIEW EVER: ‘what happened when you started rapping?” “did you have good raps right from the start”? HE FUCKIN RAPPED IT ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. t-pain; “i suck pretty bad”. shlomo zelig enjoys that.
6:47 Just to confirm: this awful, white-washed mayonnaise-eating red carpet possible. bette noire: “i actually want mayonnaise watching this”
6:49 I think someone just accused katy fucking perry of taking herself too seriously.
6:55 ryan seacrest bla bla bla
6:57 jeezy is looking dapper. shlomo: “his birdplay is yielding dividends!”
6:58 PLEASE TELL US, LUPE, about the duality of good and good
6:59 Bette: “Duffy just tried to hit on Ryan Seacrest and he ran away”
7:01 shlomo: did you see the fake coachella poster? you can’t tell me you wouldnt go to coachelle if mc scat kat was there.
7:03 conversation between Shlomo and Bette i am not a part of: “amy winehouse has that weird anorexic coke bloat thing where she’s skinny and fat and bloated”
7:05 bette: “when a norah jones cover of a nick drake song plays in a starbucks, it means music’s over”. or an angel lost its heroin.
7:07 sheryl crowe ages in dog years apparently.
7:06 chris brown is under investigation for BATTERY and they are breaking this AT THE GRAMMYS? also can rihanna get with a man who will stick with her?
7:14 shlomo: what’s everyone’s over/under for the t-pain speeches?
shaun:i’m betting t-pain will hit the stage like 5 times.
shlomo: i’m betting 2, though if god exists he’ll be on stage for every acceptance.
7:15 WHO ASKED FOR A FUCKING JACK BLACK WHATEVER? bette: that’s right, jack black’s talking right now.
7:16 bette, to john mayer on the teevee: you speak, and the douche just pours out of you.
7:17 john mayer, that’s enough. shlomo: he was good on tim and eric. me: what? oh sorry that’s an ADULT. swim reference.
7:18 having a discussion about 808s and heartbreak, BRB y’all
7:20 john mayer is losing his opportunity to have sex with ryan seacrest with every passing moment
7:21 thinking about popcorn
7:22 AGAIN with the chris brown shit. rihanna is NOT showing up b/c of chris brown.
7:22 WHY IS ZOOEY WITH BEN? he is a fucking troll. call me yo
7:23 bette: dear rihanna: drop the scrubs and the thungs and fucking concentrate on your career.
YAY JONAS BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
7:25 pause for some water. there’s something about cheap champagne, sweet tea vodka and peach schnapps that makes every estelle song sound like that one good one
7:27 does anyone ever want ryan seacrest near them? anyone?
7:28 yay carrot sticks and vinaigrette. that is a grammys fuckin FEAST. no one on the corner got carrots like US
7:29 making fun of fake anglophiles. I NEED SOME TEA, MIGHT I HAVE A SPOT OF STONE WUT WUT
7:30 jennifer hudson and her bib and her promise ring are ready to have some fuckin LOBSTER
7:31 ryan seacret to j hudson: i understand you’re engaged. j-hud to r-sea: “i understand you’re a gay”.
7:32 shlomo just offered both patron on ice and to allow us to pop bottles all night. TI should be doing his romantic valentines ballad “whatever u like” live at the grammys.
7:33 shut dave fucking grohl the fuck up.
7:34 i think the conversation has turned to hummus.
7:35 are we REALLY ANALYZING THE GENIUS OF “WHATEVER U LIKE”?????? and TI is straightfacing this fucking interview. TI says “it speaks to how women would like to be treated”: BOTTLE SERVICE AND FULLY FUELED JETS is all you need for some TIGHT WET VAJAYJAY yall
7:37 who the fuck invited paris fucking hilton? shlomo: “is there a ‘chugging cock’ category now?”
7:41 something ryan seacrest something bla bla bullshit JOKEZZZZZZZZz
7:43 MIA is gonna pop like right NOW.
no like right now
i just spilled booze on my pants. shlomo: isn’t that a lonely island song.
***now having digression about lonely island vs agf/delay****
7:45 shlomo: i wonder what screaming tragedy happened in t-pain’s life involving a stripper.
7:46 a karin dreijer/tpain song about strippers. “i’m in love with you (i’m a stripper)”. bette: but they’d fight over the vocal processing.
7:47 discussing drexciya
7:48 THIS IS THE ONLY FUCKING LIVE BLOG TALKING ABOUT DREXCIYA.
7:51 almost time for the shitshow!
7:52 shout-out to trixie: when the presets get nom’d to the grammys, we’ll play the RIAA game
7:53 bette: “if it weren’t for the ghostbusters in 1989 we’d still be fucking worried about ghosts” shlomo: “it’s because someone called them and they are in control”
7:54 teen wolf is on at the same time as the grammys. may liveblog teenwolf instead and leave the grammys to the fat hairy bellys at stereogum.
7:55 i think we should still be plotting out hummus. also morrisseyy pulled out. with two ys.
7:56 can you imagine if ryan seacrest was the first thing you saw upon being born? bette: considering the last thing that baby would have seen would be MIA’s vagina, i think you’d be pleased.
7:57 12 inches is NOT big enough
7:58 if sixty minutes was a porn would it be SEXty minutes? shlomo: “SEXty MENnutes”
7:59 just got the “SEXty Men-nuts” joke. also “carrot dicks”.
8:00 drinking until i’m not afraid of the copy editors.
8:00 IT IS THE FUCKIN GRAMMYS OMFG THIS IS LIKE MEETING TORI AMOS ONLY WITHOUT THE FUCKIN FAT GIRLS!
8:01 wtf is the EDGE doing here oh FUCK it’s u2. oh god it’s the bad song. CANDY FLOSS ICE CREAM LEONARD BERNSTEIN LIVIN IN THE WILD WILD WEST
8:02 why is bono not jumping out of a turducken. shlomo: graphics provided by 1984. JFK BLOWN AWAY MICHAEL COLLINS HAS TO SAY.
8:03 bono is still angry about the potatoes in ireland. god why isn’t tpain doing anything right now.
who is going to replace chris brown’s GF-beating ass?
8:04 shlomo: with his eyeliner, bono looks like kevin barnes’ dad.
bette: i think even kevin barnes is ashamed of bono. kevin barnes is sitting somewhere in athens in a diaper and a sequined fanny pack being ashamed of bono.
8:05 WHITNEY HOUSTON HAS ALL HER TEETH. thanks bono.
BEST R & B ALBUM
clog dogerson! clive davis! jimmy crack-corn! (get the crack joke? ITS WHITNEY BITCH). oh, winner? jennifer hudson and her hymen.
8:07 jennifer hudson is going to be having some fucking lobster. no cock though.
8:08 bette: it’s NOT FUNNY, her family IS IN HEAVEN. shaun: she’s still not havin’ any cock tho. OH SHIT IT’S THE ROCK.
i am SO GLAD the rock waxing philosophical on the grammys
8:09 OH SHIT IT’S KATY PERRY. bette: i sucked a dick and i liked it.
8:10 what does coldplay stand for? cold. play. they’re asleep backstage. stevie wonder’s too black and blind for me. mostly just too black.
THE FUCKING JONAS BROTHERS.
PAUL MCCARTNEY AND DAVE GROHL? call your mom . RIGHT NOW. CALL YOUR FUCKING MOM.
8:10 was told by shlomo to STFU because j-tim is talking. and talking about….
8:11 j-tim “it was called the general store because it was…pretty…general”
8:12 uh this white boy with al green thing? is painful.
8:13 shout out to my girl rhianna! rihanna? FUCK YOU SPELL YOUR NAME, GIRL?
8:15 al green to timberlake, per bette: let’s talk about growing up in the south-segregation vs disney shows!
8:16 sneaking suspicion al green thinks j-tim is michael jackson.
8:22 was pissing when coldplay started. auspicious !
8:23 UM I KNOW THAT UGH GRUNT sup jiggA
8:24 i feel so bad for jay-z having to do this. also bette: “chris martin is our generation’s bono isnt he”
8:25 OH SHIT IT’S THE COLDPLAYS AND THEIR HIT SONG I USED TO RULE THE WORLD. bette: you know it’s good bc it was on an ad
826: they’re in distressed sgt peppers gear, that’s how you know it’s reconstructed rule brittania. awesome train noise added to the percussion. unfortunately it’s not The ColdDouches. all the white kids clap!
8:27 WHEN I AM ON THE GRAMMY PANEL I WILL ONLY VOTE FOR SONGS ON MY IPOD. up next: feist has sex with, um, the ting tings.
8:28 um when did carrie underwood get laid? bette: when did she get black? she just did that finger thing. shaun: prob the same time she got laid.
8:29 carrie underwood is the LOST en vogue member. shlomo’s going to kick me out for saying that.
8:30 looking forward to the xtina/lady gaga mash-up. wondering what britney’s snorting backstage? shlomo: who are those mildly amused white people? shaun: her parents. or just white people.
8:31 shlomo: why is scar-jo playing guitar? didn’t john mccain play drums for sting?
8:32 oh god SHUT UP SHERYL CROWE. worst song titles ever: ‘god must be busy”.
8:33 BEST COUNTRY SOMETHING won by sugarland. DECATUR REPRAZENT sortof
8:34 i think we universally agree that jennifer nettles should stfu. bette: “AHM LIKE A CRAZY KIRSTEN DUNST RIGHT NOW”
8:40 shlomo, it’s all fuckin green and not fat duffy.
8:41 shlomo: al green looks like cedric the entertainer. bette, as duffy. duffie? WTFEV
SONG OF THE YEAR:
shaun: i like estelle. that song pacifically.
jason mraz is mr a-z, remember.
shlomo: estelle
bette: estelle but coldplay will win
shaun: coldplay. it’s gonna be coldplay
THE COLDPLAYS WIN
8:43 the coldplays win. white ppl everywhere celebrate with mayo. bette: sgt coldplay’s crapfest band
8:44 fuck, it’s kid rock. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF REV RUN SHOWS UP I KNOW HE MUCH HE GOT PAID.
shlomo: is this, like, a pro-military song?
bette: i see both black and immigrant faces on the screen behind him…um, aviator glasses are…good? um…scandal?
8:46 WEREWOLVES OF ALABAMA
it’s the kid rock southern country tent revival
i guess kid rock likes being a fat southern guy.
8:47 bette: lil wayne hasn’t even shown up in his spaceship. or his toilet spaceship.
8:49 i hope the radioheads do the song about having sex with kreepie kats
8:52 trying to keep up with twitter. too angry at the white ppl in <3 with the radioheadz.
8:53 oh god. miley cyrus and who? wait what?
8:54 oh wait it’s just raedeeohead. oh no it’s miley. wait, what?
8:55 fuck you doin’, miley cyrus? you won’t have sex with any of us. b/c your dad won’t let you
8:56 song of the year right here. bette: song of our life. why isn’t animal collective nominated.
857 BEST POP COLLABORATION W VOX:
shaun: madge, jt and timbaland
shlomo: same
whoa robert house plant won something!
8:59 oh stfu r-plant. someone make the old ppl go away
9:00 oh god is jennifer hudson going to talk about virginity again?
obligatory boring grammy song
9:01 so howabout interesting things. bette: i’m thinking about the bodyguard. shlomo: is this a graduation ceremony?
9:03 RT @diplo I’m startin to sober up here.
YOU CAN DO IT PIMP LUCIOUS
9:05 shlomo: maybe they’ll fill chris brown’s slot with salem.
shaun: you always want to put salem in random places. if we had funding, we should totally just take salem and put them in random places. senior centers, town meetings, etc.
9:07 i am getting tired, i need something awesome to happen.
9:08 OMG CSI MIAMI. that is awesome. not really.
9:09 HOLY SHIT IT’S THE JONAS BROTHERS.
and stevie wonder. decidedly less excited about either. or both.
9:12 fuckin’ SUPERSTITION.
9:13 the jonas bros are both rocking out and wondering why stevie isn’t looking at them

9:16 best rock album: COLD AND THE PLAYS bette: chris martin has not taped his fingers up enough toOHWAIT he has

9:17 shlomo: we have NOT seen tpain since the red carpet and that is a travesty.

9:18 “hi, my name is kylie and i took a pill”

9:19 hi, i take zyrtec and sometimes i have to go to the ER

9:22 oh please let something finally happen here. PLEASE LET DIPLO BE TELLING THE TRUTH!

9:23 a giant phallic banana! i JUST GOT THAT.

9:24 sadly, this is better than the coldplays.

bette: she has flats on, which is very strange

shlomo: extras from “smooth criminal”

9:25 come on, everyone likes a little ptl

bette: she’s a terrible ptl

shlomo: for a song about kissing girls, there’s not very much girl kissing

bette: gay until graduation and i liked it!

9:27 YES! finally. but wtf is up with the yeezy rockwell mullet.

bette: he has a charlie murphy thing going on. TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES!

9:28 yeezy: I AM YOUR AMERICAN BOY. CHECK OUT MY PEACOAT.

9:29 BEST NEW ARTIST-

oh adele y so fat bb?

9:31 adele: i just ate this chicken right now in its entirety

9:36 HEY GUYZ ITS MORGAN FREEMAN whose album was nominated. Lauterhaus: his one glove? shaun: HE KILLED NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON

9:37 pls tell me he is talking about kanye. oh it’s kenny chestnut.

9:38 they are getting all the boring shit out of the way now, so that when they wake lil wayne up he’ll be in prime form. don’t feed him after midnight. or get him wet.

9:39 discussion about how ok it would be if lil wayne came out right now.

9:40 ANXIOUS FOR THE HIP HOP “SUMMIT”

9:41 HERE COMES NELLY. NELLY! NELLY. oh no nelly.

oh shit record of the year!

shaun: cold and the playdaddys will win this. or maybe MIA?

THEY BROUGHT MIA THERE FOR NOTHING/

9:42 allison SAURkrauss.

9:43 bette: led zep? what’s that.

9:48 oh god SHUT UP queen latifah.

HEERE WE GOOOO

9:50 I CALLED IT. i called that mashup!

9:53 i think ti’s a little off

THAT WAS A FUCKIN MAZING

954 THIS IS SO TPAIN.

PAUL AND THE MCCARTNEYS

9:55 you say it’s the grammys, it’s my grammys too yeah

9:57 bette: dave grohl is filling the massive shoes of ringo starr

9:58 how did i NOT know ti and jtim were doing that song?

10:04 charlie who? the charlie from LOST?

JACK BLACK. that’s how you know it’s ROCKIN

10:05 oh god an actual musician, can i tune out now?

mr a to the z!

1006: JOHN MAYER WON. and the tv died. the tvcan’t take john mayer’s awesome

1007: bette: sugarland and adele, what a FAAANTAASTIC meeting of minds. chris: kid rock is in sugarland?

bette: jennifer nettles looks like spike from top chef

1010 god this is till going

1011 oh god adele TOO?

1013 adele is the fat goth chick that kills herself in the bathtub your freshman year in college

10:19 oh god, 15 step, who cares

1020 playing the part of thom yorke, the “handicapped” kid at the grocery store

1021: if you have a drum line and you DONT do hollaback girl you should be punished

1026: ok, getting OVER THIS

1027 my rap name will be TBag

1028 SAMUEL L JACKSON LOOKS HOMELESS. he’s a prophet!

lauterhaus: DAMN RIGHT IM RIGHT

ONE OF YOU PPL in the audience in white

1029 OH SHIT TI AND JTIM

1030: for serious, whoever is doing the audio mixing tonight is awful.

1031: this is now the fabulous baker boys!

1032 is j-tim wearing a fur coat? DRUMSTAIRS!

1033 jtim is such an oreo

1035 is the white guy talking

1036: every good boy deserves fudge.

bla bla bla.

1037: they bleeped “yes we can”!

1038 paul mccartney is excited for smokey robinson b/c he knows who he is

1042 anxious to see what happens when they give weezy a mic

1047: oh hi josh grobin

oh god REALLY? neal diamond?

1049: up next, neal gets a cirque based around his output

1050: all right, now just the old ppl who are gonna die tmrw sing!

bette: paul mccartney is singing

1051: all of neil diamond’s bottom teeth look fake

1053: weezy and jeezy and yeezy and tpain and timbersnake and mccartney and chris coldplays are all gonna just join neil diamond in “people have the power”

1057: up next, primitive radio gods.

1059 lauterhaus: lauter BBKING is still awesome after all these years - old and fat and happy and old. And fat.

1102 and welcome lt dan!

1103 this is like the part of going to see bon jovi and he does the new shit

1104 OH SHIT LIL WAYNE IS DOING THE NOLA SONG

1105 weezy is remarkably coherent.

1107 ok who thought lily allen was coming out?

1109 : THERE IS TPAIN

110: BEST RAP ALBUM

TI. TI IS EVERYONE’S BOO.

oh yes! lil wayne!

1115 bette on salem covering MBV: what happens when you put two vacuums next to each other

1118 its my gf zooey!

ROBERT PLANT AND THE KRAUSSS ARE DOING TUSK????

1123 WTF did greenday do this year

ALBUM OF THE YEAR:::::::

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ROBERT PLANT

i mean i <3 tha zep but wtf

ok, popping the pink champagne. i’m done.

like weezy said: bye.