So it’s nearing the Resonator Mag version of 7 o clock in the morning. We’re situated at R Jamz abode, getting ready to get the “hey we’re not vh-1 yet we still assume you’re going to care what our over-educated and under-payed assess have to say about the next 8 billion chapters in Trapped In The Closet.” Real talk.

While the rest of the kids are braidin’ their hair, sippin’ on coke n rum or whatever they’re doing, we’ll let you run and get some chicken (or Schicken) (in a box, natch) for your wok. If you need a catch-upon what’s been going on, you can check the lj community Chuck and Rufus-but, mostly, just get yerself some pears.

When shit starts getting commentative, we’ll go under a cut.

4:54 P.M.: “You gon’ burn WHAT? Bitch I WISH YOU WOULD BURN MY MOTHAFUCKIN CLOTHES”. Oh god, real talk FOR REAL. Has it occured to anyone that Kel could be on the other end of the “Tyrone” line?

R Jamz: ya better caaaaall r kel.

Word up. The DVDs are in the box in the wok:

and I’m pouring a bunch of shit on the floor for our missing homies. Hacks, Trixie, Shlomo Zelig-PROPS. N stuff.

5:05 Lauren Alexis and her homies are late. Party foul. Perhaps she’s bringing the shicken.

5:06 we got yo back like chiroprac. lemme hear ya.

5:08: apparently what’s amusing is R Jamz’s signed copy of Jewtopia.

5:10: LAUREN ALEXIS IS HERE. all right. goin under a cut. i mean, after we figure out what the hell we’re eatin.

Here we go. first 12 chapters.

5:16 Bette Noire: anyone know why the drip?

R Jamz: why NOT THE DRIP?

R Jamz: it’s like my friend’s first time.

Bette Noire: it’s like she’s getting pissed on for the first time.

Lauren Alexis: OH WAIT GET SOME CREAM SODA FOR THE BLACKBERRY BRANDY SO WE CAN HAVE FRED SCHNIEDERS.

5:17 OH SHIT. Here we GO.

What Time is it?

WHAT TIIIIME IS IT?

5:18 it is NOW SEVEN O CLOCK IN THE MORNIN.

everyone’s nodding to that god damn water drop.

5:19 shit think shit think shit think QUICK PUT ME IN THE CLOSET

5:20 if you’re playing the TITC drinking game, every time sylvester’s phone rings, drink

BITCH SAY NO MORE

5:21 baretta count: 1

5:22 WHOA

5:23 domestic abuse for the win.

WELL SINCE WE ALL COMIN OUT THE CLOSET? what COULD THAT MEAN? NO RLY WHAT?

rufus has the best hand motions. ever. hands down. no puns.

5:24

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

maybe kelly’s career’s behind the door.

R Jamz: (as chuck appears) it’s kanye west

Lauren alexis: he’s gonna pop his collar

5:25 why would you scratch your head with your gun?

5:26 with all your club hoppin, lyin’ sayin you was shoppin-ok, so suppose cathy/mary WAS doing that-what fucking retail stores are open durin CLUB HOURS?

R Jamz: wal-mart.

5:27 I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS MARY? THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID AT THE PARTY. THIS IS GETTIN SCARY.

(all in unison)

IMA SHOOT SOMEBODY

5:28 Bette Noire: why didn’t he leave when they were bickering?

R Jamz: he wanted to shoot whoever was upstairs

5:29 ANTHROPOMORPHIZED COP LIGHTS.

5:30 how the fuck do you spell tuan? twan? twan?

5:31 how is it that gwen’s radio is playing TRAPPED IN THE FUCKING CLOSET? how damn POST MODERN. eggers, eat this.

5:32 Lauren Alexis: how did he do her with his pants on?

R Jamz: he’s just that good. he can give her a baby THROUGH his pants

5:33 BARETTA COUNT: 2

5:34 gwendolyn- the epitomy of the woman scorned.

UH, WHAT?

5:35 the first mention of tina. and roxanne. WHO THE HELL IS ROXANNE? we gotta figure this out.

5:36 pause for the food.

5:37 all right. no pause. wtf is sniggles

5:38 kel’s recap: got a hangover, been trapped in the closet, tried to kill a pastor…oh fuck i lost it

5:39 BARETTA COUNT 3

5:40 the first time you see the gunshot episode of TITC, does it take you like a billion years to figure out WHO THE HELL GOT SHOT?

5:44 now we eatnblog.

SPATULAS DEFEAT ALL

5:47 when kel the narrator shakes his head, you know this shit’s fucked up.

GHOST FROM THE DEAD AS OPPOSED TO…

5;48 ENTER: THE MIDGET

5:49 as IF the midget was under attack?

5:50 bridgette, the everywoman with the double-barreled shotgun

5:51 baretta count: 4

5:52 lolz@twan. TUAN?

5:52 hot mess. HOT MESS IN BIG MAN’S PANTS

OH SHIT…5:53 HOW DO YOU KNOW CHUCK AND RUFUS?

YOU. SAID. CHUCK. AND. RUFUS.

5:55 oh. shit. the midget’s the baby’s daddy

Bette Noire: that’s some nice vocalizing

Lauren Alexis: i’m goin back in this closet

R Jamz: trapped in the pantry

Lauren Alexis: eatin’ some preserves

5:56 “it is what it is”-that “try it motherfucker try it” bit is the best thing ever.

R KELLY IS THE PHONE RINGER

6:02 so the hoe was gwyn.

JUST DONT FORGET ABOUT ROXANNE AND TINA!\

6:06 NEW CHAPTER TIME.

we are discussing the cult of titc. this is our first time through the new chapters…this may be sloow.

6:07 Lauren Alexis: look like’s rosie’s got a husband

R Jamz: THEY’RE ALL EDDIE MURPHY

Lauren Alexis: check out the black crnl sanders

6:08 lauren alexis: HOW CLASSY A RATING

it should say “strong language up in this piece”

r jamz; some strong language just fell up out my mouth

6:11: sylvester and twan going to holler at somebody

something about ROXANNE AND TINA

twan: “NAW THIS SOME WEED’

CRAZIER THAN A FISH WITH TITTIES

rewind:

CRAZIER THAN A FISH WITH TITTIES

6:12 rosie has a HUSBAND. lauen alexis: IT”S TIM ALLEN IN BLACKFACE

6:13 apparently rosie’s husband randolph is impotent. also apparently r kelly is in love with eddie murphy. like norbert era eddie murphy.

6:14 so what does sylvester DO?

lauren alexis: he hollas.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER, as orchestrated by tha kel

6:15 did he say something about shaving your mouth?

WHITNEY HOUSTON? WTF?

so apparently cathymary is in cahoots with sylvester in…something?

O MG ILLUMINATI

6:16 waitress looks like nEW YORK

the narratorsylvester disappears.

DOES HE KNOW EVERYONE?

6:17 try me. cathy. try me.

6:18 mystery: what is the waitress’s name? it MAY MATTER

WE FOUND TINA

WE FOUND TINA

6:20 wtf? WHAT THE FUCK FOR REAL

twan: “i will kill both of y’all knucklehead asses”

6:21 kelly has broken the third wall

ok so here we go. apparently twan and roxanne and tina have history. also all rkel is doing is taking the best bits from the first dvd and repeating ‘em. too many “try it” reduxes.

6:22 “KILL THEM? THEN WHAT? LIFE.” quoth the man kel.

6:23 baretta count: 4

LADIES LADIES LADIES LADIES. sylvester the mediator

6:24 Bette Noire: he sings the stage directions, too. it’s like the first run through

THEY’RE GOIN TO ATLANTA! PEACE UP A TOWN DOWN.

r kelly did NOT JUST SAY RICK JAMES BITCH

6:25 police? gee. i wonder who the cop is.

bette noire: in atlanta?

lauren alexis: he teleports.

6:26 principal BLACKMAN is in here

twan got tina preggers? EVERYONE GETS A BABY

6:27tina has some sort of gross twitch

lauren alexis: she has tourettes

HOLLA

roxanne: “she gon holla at the child support check”

6:28 so neither tina NOR roxanne turned twan in.

6:29 BARETTA COUNT: 5

tina and roxanne: DOIN IT

6:30 twan just did the dirty bird. apparently he’s the only one who doesn’t like lesbians.

BRING YO ASS.

r kelly: “bitch was dykin’”. are you serious? DYKIN? is that a verb? dykin’?

6:31 ooh staticin is a new verb, too. as in “gwen can ya hear me phone’s staticin’”

6:32 oh SHIT CHURCH TIME

lauren alexis: BRUTHA ACT

6:33 lauren alexis: GRAMMY! GRAMMY!

PIMP LUCIOUS! PIMP! LUCIOUS

oh shit…chuck and rufus….

chuck suddenly sounds like prince.

6:34 chuck has a glamor shot that rufus keeps under his day calendar

6:35 this is actually emotionally intense…i think

ok, not

uh. chuck. has. aids…….?

oh. fuck..

6:36 i think everyone know thinks this is better than the first one. holy shit.

pimp lucious. so good.

6:37 YOU CAN DO IT PIMP LUCIOUS. JUST STOP PIMPIN.

6:38 CHUCH TO THE CHURCH

lauren alexis: he’s wearin some elvis glasses

6:39 wheel of fortune=funny. always

i actually thought it was the REAL rosie doing her voice. not kelly.

lauren alexis: he’s had two years of practice.

6:41 lauren alexis: put me in the janitorial closet

THERE’S A NEW CLOSET! A NEW CLOSET!

the globla closet IS THE METAPHOR.

rosie: “what’s wrong with bein on the phone talkin to a man?”

randolph: “it all depends what you sayin’…to that man!”

6:43 PLEASE don’t tell me that the package randolph says chuck got was a reference to god giving gay people aids…

lauren alexis: it’s a red rider bb gun

6:44 lauren alexis: michael vick’s gonna be in this club they’re going to, if there’s pitbulls

6:45 fat italian guy called twan “L L Fool J”

6:46 twan “falls ta sleep”

6:47 it’s not ever “just a phone” roundabout these parts

6:48 baretta count: 6.

6:49 oh…shit…ten guns to r kel’s 1…….oh wait…just a dream. oh, fuck.

6:50 so now we are following the rumor of “the package”

6:51 seriously. this multi phone call must be witnessed to be believed.

6:52 IT’S BRIDGETTE AGAIN!

6:53 the return of big man

6:54 seriously. seriously. the phone call. fucking amazing. a million r kellys all in unison.

NO NO NO NO NO

THAT’S IT THAT’S IT WTF NO NO NO NO NON NOONONONO

no

no.

ok, so…

NO.

CLIFFHANGER.

fuck. R kel: PLEASE. FINISH. THE. STORY. SOON.

Bette Noire: 2009

R Jamz: i hope he doesn’t go to jail before he finishes it.

The moral of the story of the “hiphopoapopera” thus far?

R Jamz: Don’t sleep with the gays

So that’s it. The second installment in the TITC series, devoured and…being digested now. The last chapter alone’s fucking AMAZING, but…well, basically, kids, if you have the gay sex you get the aids and if you cheat at all you get punished. Robert Sylvester Kelly is a vengeful god.